Every day isn't exactly the same as the one preceding it though... each new day brings a little less energy to get myself moving and more thinking along the lines of "What am I doing?" and "Why should I bother?" I'm ready to leave my job. I'm currently looking for other employment in the field of work, but I'm not sure I should. I'm not sure if being a machinist is the type of job I want to be doing. I can't see myself doing it for much longer, but that could just be me being unable to see myself working at my current shop much longer. Do I want to be doing the same thing 5 years from now? I have no idea. As far as I know I could be dead 5 years from now, but when I was 15 if you had asked me where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years I'd have probably had the same answer. I don't know. I really don't. I havent been able to find employment that I enjoy. Food service, retail, manufacturing, military... No job I've had in the 10 years I've had jobs has ever felt like it was what I was supposed to be doing with myself. They were always what I was doing for money at the time until I got fed up with it and quit. And it's not like I can even make money off of art anymore. Not that I ever really did in the first place. Even when I have all the time in the world to draw, I can't stay focused long enough to keep commissions going. I honestly have next to no interest in probably half the subject matter I've been commissioned to draw over the years. Mostly because it's characters I just don't give a fuck about and/or the actual subject matter I find dumb. Just because something may have something sorta to do with something I'm into doesn't mean that I'll automatically be into the drawing. It takes damn near an act of god for all the pieces needed for me to be into a drawing to fall into place, things like characters involved, overall tone of the piece, if the idea behind it is maybe a dumb joke, and other things... I'm rambling somewhat now. I ate a sandwich and I settled down. My ability to draw is tied to my emotional state. If I'm not in just the perfect mindset I can't do it, I don't want to do it, it causes me physical pain to try. So for now and probably forever my drawings will only be something I'm able to do to channel my emotions. It's somewhat of a stress relieving tool similar to someone writing in a journal.
tl;dr
You don't need to pay attention to all that shit, lookit the drawings below this instead.
Kat and a friend getting ready for a photoshoot.
Some quick studies of Kat's face. I'm trying to alter my style a bit by thinking of things like facial structure, so eventually every girl I draw won't look like hair and eye swaps of the same girl. And who knows, I might draw a guy now and then.
-Rab
fuck yeah I love NIN
ReplyDelete